The box of emotions

I am tired of being who I am. I've always tried my best to change for the better...I've always told myself to never give in to emotions, to my feelings and to my depressions, but I always end up doing otherwise. I am weak, and I am stupid...I act on impulse and not on logic, and once logic finally comes my way, I act on impulse again and not logic...It's a chain reaction I always do, and I hate it. People have always told me to stop being emo, but what is "being emo"? Is it even a sin? Is it so bad to contemplate on one's failures? Well, that doesn't matter...

I hate myself, I really do...I've really, really tried to change, to turn from my ways and start again, but I've always failed. Sometimes I feel like my consciousness is only sitting in the back seat of a car, while someone else drives my mind. I don't know how to explain it. It's like wanting something but at the same time you don't want it. I don't know what I should be...Or maybe I do, but I'm confused about it...I don't know. I want to talk to people about it, but outsiders can never truly put themselves in the shoes of the one who is suffering.

I'm afraid. Afraid of the disappointment that's bound for me...I'm about to make a big decision. It's the best decision, but it's going to tear things apart. And it's my fault. No one can say it isn't. It really is. And I'm afraid because everyone will know about it...I am weak. I cannot take all the disappointment, all the harsh glares that will come my way. And because it is my fault, I cannot take the fact that everyone will reject me in their thoughts. I can see it now--they'll all tell him "how could she do this to you?" ; "I knew she was up to no good." ; "I can't believe her..."

I can hear them all now. As clear as the sky is on a hot summer day...I can hear it all...I can feel it all. The pressure is crunching my heart... I feel awful. I want to go away from everyone, I want to stop being a jerk, I just want to disappear...I don't want anyone to see my ugliness, I want to die...Yet I'm too cowardly to kill myself. If suicide wasn't a one way ticket to hell, I would kill myself... And end everyone's disappointment. I hate disappointing people, but that's all I ever seem to do. I can do a few things right, but when it comes to these major decisions, when a lot of emotion is involved, I'm hopeless. I've hurt them all many times. I'm a disaster waiting to explode...Waiting to show its true colors.

That's why I don't like hanging out with a group of people for a long time. I'm afraid of being hated. I'm afraid that they'll finally see my darker sides, and hate me...reject me... I've always tried to please people in my own way. I've been a jerk at times, but I've always tried to appear to be the right one. In that sense, it's made me arrogant...Yeah, I know I am. A selfish know-it-all...But only because I don't want to be hated. I want people to agree with me. It's not that I want attention. It's just that I don't want to be rejected.